A strapping man: inquire within

Bottom line, I need a man….

Reason being my pops told me so, and I think he is sick of saving the damsel in distress…or needs a break from me calling him for “projects”.

Those projects include but aren’t limited to; tire rotation, oil change, weathering my yard, changing light bulbs I can’t reach, hanging heavy objects…the list goes on…

Now I am an independent woman, but there is some shit I won’t fucking do…or times that I need verification from a male…let’s face it ladies we need help sometimes…my bitchy ass self isn’t fucking Wonder Woman…

For instance, last night I came home from work around 11 pm….I notice the mail slot on the outside of my home is wide open, hmmm the mailman came before I left for work and I would have shut the slot prior to leaving for work.

I ponder and call my mother.

Me: Ma, did you come over while I was at work…my mail slot is open.
Mother: No honey, maybe the Postman did that.
Me: He came before work, I’m not going inside.
Mother: Ah, Marie, get your ass inside and stay on the telephone.
Me: Nope, not going in, what if someone put a snake in the slot and there is a snake in my house…

(WAIT, WHAT, did those words come out, a snake…being snake like, slithering and doing that creepy tongue thing…it MUST BE A SNAKE….wait, do I hear sounds).

Mother: WHAT!!! (she proceeds to speak to my father…I hear sighs and mumbles) your father and I will be right there, get in your car.

7.5 minutes later my parents step out of their car wearing pajamas and shaking their heads…

Mind you my pops is a law enforcement officer (retired) so not only is he in his gray thermal pajamas, he has a magnum flashlight and his gun…(I wish I had a photo of this epicness)

He asks a couple “cop like” questions, I respond saying, “a snake in a mail slot seams like a valid reason as to why it’s (mail slot) open.” He grabs my keys…tells me, “STAND BACK” as he enters as if he’s about to find a hard up criminal dealing drugs in my living room (does this involve blood, how do I get snake stains out of my hardwood floors and can I make something cool from snake skin).

Meanwhile, my mother who is just as bad as I seems to be hovering behind me terrified because I somehow seemed to have convinced her of said snake…I SHIT YOU NOT! My mother, has her hands pressed firmly on my back, and her breathing had gone crazed, fast and loud (she is NOT cut out for snake hunting).

Welp, Pops wasn’t surprised when there wasn’t a snake creeping in my house but he died when he had actually found mail in the damn mail slot…go fucking figure!

I concocted this thing in my head, pops sits down, I grab him a cookie I made before work (his reward) and he kindly tells me, “you need a boyfriend”. Then proceeds to crack up and my mother is in tears (wasn’t she on the verge of a breakdown 3 minutes ago).

They hang out for a moment and laugh at all the stupid shit I seem to have pulled…and other reasons I need a man. I find it funny that this is something I would do and my mother only asked me once during our expedition if I had been drinking, I wish I had been.

I need a man. When your parents tell you that, you really might actually need one.


My mail slot…free and clear of snakes.

Single men, where you at? I need a snake hunter because mine just retired (again).


3 thoughts on “A strapping man: inquire within

  1. Pingback: I’m Waiting… Patiently! | The Velvet Closet of a Lesbian

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