I pondered so much today. What shall I write, what am I grateful for and I couldn’t think of anything worth sharing…I know, I know how terrible of me. Don’t get me wrong I’m damn thankful. Damn happy too. It hit me as I was in the movie theaters today with my family (our tradition) what exactly I was searching for to share.
Here it goes
Last year, I was broken, my core was crushed and my light was dim. I had just ended one hell of a crazy relationship and was somehow on the verge of starting another. I couldn’t wrap my head around my life and my light. I was going day to day in a fog, a miserable cold fog. You know the movements of life, but nobody was checked in? I tried everyday to sling myself out of my misery…to wake up and be me…to just be happy and not have to force a smile. At one point there were no more tears, I used them all up…I was so fucking pissed that I allowed a relationship or my choice in man steal the woman I once was. I was even more furious that this new amazing man who was trying so hard to get to know me and treat me well was treated so poorly by the “new” broken down me. Well, go figure the fresh faced nice man vanished…I don’t blame him, I pushed him away and yet again I beat myself up about that too…
Gosh fucking damn, could I have been anymore miserable…or anymore of an ass? I am sure I could have been but the past couple years hadn’t been my best…it took months of soul searching, best friend life chats (saved me), lots of wine, a fresh home, tears and even a drunken bad prison like tattoo (I think prison tattoos may be better than the one I have)…but I finally awoke, I became pissed…and by pissed I woke up with a FUCK YOU vengeance. No more fucking misery, it’s my past, it shaped me and by golly did I learn a huge life lesson…I allowed how I was treated, I allowed myself the misery and I allowed myself to cry, bitch and moan to become STRONGER and move on!!!!
I woke up this morning, sent those that I adore heartfelt messages and breathed… For once, my past isn’t my present or future and for once I’m not searching for one god damn thing.
I’m thankful for so much, but not just today…everyday. I’m proud of who I am and all I’ve learned!
Thank you Universe for keeping me on my toes…