The Art of NOT Being Sexy

Some days I wish I could strut my stuff like those runway twigs (supermodels), to be fully comfortable wearing sexy lingerie…but then I remember that I am 5’2 and a half (yes, that half fucking matters) and I have an ass and tits. Now, I know that skinny isn’t always desirable, I don’t want to be skinny…I’m fully comfortable with my booty and the rest of the shit I got going on. I embrace my assets. But, honestly, how the fuck do those girls do it?!

I’ll tell you something…being not sexy, it is an art form…and I’ve mastered it. No really…the few times I have tried to do the “sexy strut”, “lingerie pose”, or anything even remotely close to that I FAIL.

For instance, when said Navy Seal (see Thank You, Mr. Seal post) was in my tiny adorable home, I decided this was my chance…my one chance to be extremely sexy…I threw on a black lace bra (I never wear it) and a pair of my vintage like, high waisted, lace panties…I topped it off with his flannel shirt and my hair was up in a scarf with 48 bobby pins holding it in place. Now, you see…I’m odd. I get super awkward and uncomfortable quick…I just don’t know what to do with my fucking hands…WHERE DO YOU PUT THEM?!
Note: I don’t know what to do with my hands during a lot of things…I often am thinking more about my awkward hands than anything that is actually happening…then I clam up and laugh when one shouldn’t be laughing.

I walked out of my room to a gorgeous naked man eating a cookie and holding a glass of wine. I could tell he enjoyed what he saw…his member was rapidly growing and he told me I looked like a 50s pin up. a compliment from a dime piece, I must be doing something right. I try to walk as sexy as possible which ends up me basically leaping at him on the couch. fail. He sets his items down and reaches for me…but because I’m fucking uncomfortable I reach too, and ram my forehead into his. fail, again.

How is this possible? Can I take lessons on being sexy? I mean really? Thank goodness, he was an amazing person and laughed with me or at me…either way, I suck.

Another time I was in my early 20s…it was Valentine’s Day and my then boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. I bought some frilly thing to wear for him. The ENTIRE day all I could think about was how to put the thing on and at what time to I make my exit to the restroom and what do I say when I come out…oh and if I wear heels or not. Well long story short…I got too drunk, made a strange exit, couldn’t figure out who to put the thing on, and when I finally did and I walked out…I tripped and fell…

I’ve decided maybe certain things aren’t for me; sexy lingerie, jumpsuits, being sexy in general, hands…

I admire you ladies that look ridiculously good in nothing but a bra and panties…I also admire those that can wear pencil skirts and their asses don’t look like swamp ass or mom ass…

Note: Future Husband, I’m sorry for being awkward and making a big deal about my hands…oh and I’ll try to be sexy for you but don’t expect it to be classy.

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2 thoughts on “The Art of NOT Being Sexy

  1. I loved this, I’m so crap at being sexy, I have a drawer full of my ‘hot’ underwear that never sees the light of day because I just feel so awkward. I think I need lessons in being sexy too!

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