I’m just going to throw this out there, I am one hairy monkey! Literally, this is not a joke, the only thing I got from being half Mexican is being one hairy ass broad…and to top it off…it’s thick. I’m so fucking hairy that I could make toupees for an army of men, with just my leg hair.
Oh, so you’re wondering why I’m telling you how disgustingly hairy I am?!? Because today I got waxed…and it’s always an adventure.
My best friend is aesthetician and a damn good one at that. Well you see, she’s been waxing my brows for years now and up until August that was solely it (I’m not game on people invading my bubble). She has tried for years to get me to wax the other areas. I was cool with a good old razor and non embarrassment of her seeing how insanely hairy I am (granted I’m sure I’m over exaggerating my hairiness but come on).
Anyways, let’s get real about this. I literally had to wait a month with unshaven legs (gross, but not like I was getting some anyways) before she would rip my body into pieces. Okay okay, she didn’t really but holy mother of joy is that shit the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. Not to mention my sweet little bff takes no fucking prisoners.
The entire time she waxes my body or as she calls it “art”, she has this devilish grin and low bellow laugh (both of which I’ve only experienced when she is ripping all my body hair out). Anyways, she has very slowly and stealthily started to wax more than my legs. It started with, “oh let me just do your bikini line, or oh you can’t have that hair”, because she is my best friend I trust her. She is a LIAR.
I’ve come to realize her famous line for waxing way more than I asked for is, “oh, wax residue”. Wham! Low bellow laugh and me crying…not wax residue but all the hair that was attached to my vagina lip! Tears instantly sprout from my green eyes as I shout, “NO MORE, YOU’RE DONE”.
This game has been played for months, I never learn and she continues to give me one liners about wax. She does this out of love and that I can’t walk out of her room with THAT (as she points to my vagina area). I always remind her that I am fully comfortable being an amazon.
We always banter back and forth, her mainly waxing and laughing as I scream and shout.
BFF: Just residue, I’m being serious this time.
Me: AGHH LIAR, BE NICE
BFF: Oops, sorry
I always ask to see the removed hair, maybe to double check to see if my lady parts aren’t attached to the paper. She proudly shows me.
She proceeds to layer me with wax in appropriate places and then slides some into the non appropriate places.
Me: DONT, be nice, you’re suppose to be my best friend
BFF: I’m doing this because I AM your best friend, don’t be an animal.
NEWSFLASH: I AM
It literally takes well over an hour for her to wax my legs and some of my lady area. Half the time her and I are laughing and the other half she is holding my legs down because I have a tendency to karate kick the air (or lamp).
She may feel accomplished and that she had won the wax on battle with me but I feel like I win too. She has only ever given me a half Brazilian…I always seem to convince her to let me walk out with a goatee like haircut at very top of my vagina.
WIN WIN? I think yes!
Whatever, after first time she ever went into the unknown and gave me a haircut…before I left, I pulled down my underwear (yes, I make her wax me with my panties on) to see my fancy new doo…as I whimpered I asked if I could see what her hair looks like…she gladly shows me her lack of hair and I reach over to touch it (literally, I touch the flesh of the pelvic area of my best friend). I feel like it’s okay because she braved my amazon and I felt like I needed to get up close and personal with her too.
The plus side to all of this is, I lose mass amounts of weight because I sweat like a fucking football player, oh, and anytime with your best friend is a good time (even if she evil laughs and is up in my business).
One day, her art will be finished, but not anytime soon (I kinda like being a pain on her ass).
Oh and you bet your fucking ass that I do go home and spread eagle my legs in a mirror to admire her art.
I’m going to enjoy my haircut until I dreadfully have to go back in 6 weeks, maybe I’ll have someone to show it off too before then!