The Lipstick (Non) Lesbians

To scissor or not to scissor, that will never be a question in my mind. I am not a lesbian, I love penis even if penis doesn’t love me. My best lady friend, loves penis too…however, we’ve come to realize that people may think we clam slam each other, we don’t.

Awhile back, friend and I were at the local humane society with puppy fever (if you can’t get a man, get a puppy). We approached the front desk to ask to meet one of the pups, a very beautiful woman ended up helping us. She informed the both of us about the little pup and the entire time she kept smiling at my friend and I, looking back and forth between the two of us with this love slapped across her face. It was apparent that she was a lesbian, and a happily married one at that.

As we walked away, my friend and I talked about how beautiful the woman was and then I kindly stated, “did you get the feeling that she thought we were a couple”? She then let out this shrill that apparently she had been holding in with a loud, “YES“.

We laughed about it because I totally looked the part due to my outfit of the day. When we left, we waved at the woman and she grinned and waved back.

That was months ago and my friend has since acquired a beautiful pup who tags along on all out adventures.

Last night, our date night, we had the most fabulous dinner with the most hilarious owner in the weirdest restaurant ever. Even if the food wouldn’t have been as good as it was, I would go back for the comedy of the night.

We walk into this strange Mexican restaurant, live music was playing and people were running around like chickens with their head cut off. The owner walks up to us, tells us we have to sign a list, which that turns out to be a piece of paper with a pen on a strange table. We sign, he tells us 3 hours. We chuckle and then the man tells us to follow him. Literally 5 seconds and a few bantering comments and we are sitting at a table. I’m not quite sure what the list was for.

So here we are, sitting at a booth that would fit 6 and my friend and I are both pint sized people. I didn’t know if I was suppose to sit next to her or across from her but it was odd, not to mention we were facing 5 other tables. We literally were specters in a stadium watching strangers eat their food. That would have been fine if her and I could keep our damn mouths shut, but we can’t and we have to comment on everything, from the food they order, their confused faces and the random colonial like mother and daughter that sauntered in with big eyes and homemade clothing. We don’t say anything mean, that’s not our personality but for some reason we people watch like mother fuckers.

We enjoy our wine, when the owner stops by, every time he passes us he makes a silly comment and we banter back. It had become a game, anyways I comment on how he’s had this water on a tray all evening and he picks it up, takes a sip and says, “it’s for me, I’ve never worked so hard in my life and I need to look professional”. That has us roaring. Having both worked in the industry for years, we fully understood.

Our food came and to our shock it was fucking amazing. I always know my friend feels the same because our first bites in we both give each other big eyes, small giggle and moan of pleasure. I feel like we went to a comedy show and dinner. The wine was good, entertainment was amazing and we gorged our faces with tacos and shrimp cocktail.

We leave our new favorite date spot, I hop in passenger in her mom car and we snuggle her pup that was patiently waiting for us. We both want to watch movies once we part, so her and I head to a redbox.

Picture this, my friend is in jeans and boots with a large green cargo jacket. I’m wearing patterned leggings, boots and a big sweater. As we are looking at movies together, we keep glancing back at the car and waving to her pup who has been watching us from the front seat, MY seat. I mention to my friend how cold it is and she asked me in a mother tone where my jacket was.

As we are walking back to the car, both laughing at something stupid and yelling at the pup to get out of my seat, we get in and begin to play with him. He’s holding our hands and my friend states that the lady next to us was smiling and waving at us. I didn’t think much of it until I noticed that it was the lady who helped us at the humane society.

I roar with laughter, we totally looked the part. My outfit was kinda stereotyped lesbian, I’m with my same friend and we are playing with a puppy like one big happy family. I die… We had this woman watching us this entire time. If anything, I’m glad we make her heart warm even if it’s not for the reason she truly thinks.

We are at her house, playing ghost dog, basically we throw the blanket over her pups face and laugh at him trying to escape. Such a girl game. We are talking about the pretty woman and how all the signs to her seem like we are together. I start to wonder if she is the only one, she can’t be. Is this why we don’t get hit on when we are together. Are we the lipstick lesbians? Does our friendship love ooze out and confuse people of carpet munching love?

Things I learned:
1: My friend and I are cock blocking each other
2: Apparently, friend love is real love and good love
3: Don’t always prejudge restaurants
4: Her pup needs a male around so he doesn’t have to play silly female games
5. A date with my bestie is always refreshing


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