The 4 Eyes

I’m having vision problems (along with every other problem I have too).

I can’t see, I’ve had old lady eyes since I can remember. I’ve also had every eyeglass on the face of the planet; the coke bottle glasses, the matching glasses with my mother, the glasses that turned into sunglasses, the glasses I sat on, the glasses that everyone played keep away from me (even though I needed the fuckers), the glasses that lasted for 8 months until my vision changed and they were useless, the glasses that were a trend and no longer cool for the entire 2 years I had them….I mean, I’ve done and seen it all (kinda).

I’m 26, and my eyes have decided to hate me! Literally, I’m whimpering and I have one eye closed as I type this. I shouldn’t be staring at a bright computer screen but I can no longer sit in a dark room without bitching about my damn sight.

My vision changed two optical lenses added with some fancy words that I don’t know what they mean, he was better off saying, “you’re eyes decided they no longer wish to be working with you and they now are on strike, so for the next 7 days you’re going to hate life.“.

He was right, I do hate life.

Basically, I have to apply mass amounts of goopy shit to my eyes, spend billions of dollars on fancy eye drops and look like a stoner with swollen red eyes for a week until they decided they want to be my friend again.

I mean, all this wouldn’t be so bad if my vision didn’t suck before and I had glasses that made my blurry vision crystal clear, but my glasses aren’t the correct prescription, so my blurry vision is slightly less blurry. For heavens sake, I thought a spider was a hair tie and I picked it up…fail. I also work with people, I look crazy.

The only positive thing I see (haha) is that my lovely parental units get to chauffeur me around and take me to and from work. I literally, sit in the back and direct them. I laugh, they grumble and then I laugh some more.

I also have been finding really cleaver ways to text them when work is out.

Me: Hello, hello Chauffeur?
Family: (crickets)

Me: SOS
Family: SOL
(this one scared me, I messaged back a few minutes later making sure I wasn’t going to walk the million miles home…they came)

Me: Home, James
Family: (my father sends me a photo of my nephew mooning, captioned with “Bite Me”).

You know you can’t see when the doctor tells you not to drive.

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