The “Gay” Man

I’ve come to realize that when a man doesn’t seem to give two flying fucks about me and turns into a unicorn my friends and I automatically assume he is a gay man.

He had to be gay, there is no reason for him not to adore me.

I’m really a catch, he has to love penis as much as I do.

He really is into his body, do you think being around all those men in the gym make him attracted to them?

He’s dresses way to well to be straight, I don’t know how I didn’t see it.

There is no way he could be dating another girl, he’s to feminine for women.

Literally, there are millions of statements from myself and my lady friends claiming the men that loved us and left us are swinging for the other team. I can’t tell you how many times that this has happened and how many times we’ve found out they are indeed homosexual (ZERO).

Now just because of this post and The Lipstick (Non) Lesbian Post it may seem that I am slightly confused on how being a lesbian or a gay man work, and that I seem to be making a lot of conclusions with just assumptions. Well yes, I am, because I’m fucking crazy and I have to have answers and if I don’t…I make them up in my crazy woman head and call it a mother fucking day.

By the way, I love everyone, whether you like women or men and no matter what race or sex you are…I only don’t like you when you fuck with my brains (or my friends).

Anyways, I actually just stumbled upon my crazy woman moment when talking to my friend about a non mutual friends situation with her lame ass boyfriend (he brings lame to another level and he just is a sucky human with a penis and bad taste in life). Any who, I blabbed about how mean and horrible this man was as I kept seeking advice from my friend I kept ending every statement with, he must be gay…my friend is a nurse…she is honestly the best person…he’s gay. After the 7th time my friend stated laughing and pointed out the fact that I always jump to this conclusion.

I finally figured it out. I don’t want to admit that sometimes men just suck and they don’t like us. I bet you anything if they were gay they would be my best friend! I keep trying to justify why they don’t like me or my lady friends but it’s simply because they suck not because they enjoy penis as much as I do.

I need to start thinking of other crazy conclusions or maybe I’m a “lesbian”…. Oh Baby Jesus, I’m the lesbian girl they’ve talked to but was too independent, cursed like a sailor, had pink hair, talks to her “best friend” every morning at 9:30 and her “mother” every evening at 11. HOLY SHIT! (light bulb)

I’m going to go drown my sorrows in a bottle of red wine…it has to be 5 o’clock somewhere in the fucking world.

My sister doesn’t do the penis…I’m going to ask her if I give off the carpet munching vibe.


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