The Spray Tan

One would think that I would have beautiful Caramel skin considering I am half Mexican and that I wouldn’t have to get a dreaded spray tan but, I don’t and I do.

Check this, I went to a wedding this past weekend, I’m white, so fucking white that I blend in with my “antique white” walls. Literally, Casper status. It’s truly terrible.

Any who, I received a spray tan early Friday morning. I’ve had them before, and the lady that basically spray paints my body is radical. So I feel comfortable standing completely naked in front of her. I’m sure plenty of you have received a spray tan and as you are all aware you get gradually tan through out the day/night, that’s great and all for those of you who work normal hours because before you turn “umpa loompa” status your ass is already home. For me, it didn’t work that way, I went to work a nice shade of “What the Fuck”.

Being in the service industry and working nights, my lovely co workers had the privilege of seeing 50 Shades of Orange. I came to work pretty light and as the damn night continued I turned to carrot orange to a lovely “white girl trying to be black” and let me tell you my big red lips that I love with my pale skin blended in so well with my tan that it looked like I had no fucking lips. My coworkers couldn’t stop giggling and as I became darker their jokes became even darker and more ridiculous. The kitchen staff was confused and my boss asked my friend if I willingly decided to be sprayed with espresso tanner and not vanilla macchiato.

My shift ended and I took my wanna be ass home. I woke up the next morning and checked the mirror…holy shit was I a sight to see. I’m only sharing this photo because I know this will be blackmail later and I just can’t have my bff win.
I sent her this.

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She called me instantly with hysterical laughter. I’m really glad we can amuse each other with our stupid shit. We bantered back and forth and I told her it would look different once I showered, she told me to “scrub hard”. After I spoke with her, I FaceTimed my friend whose attending the wedding with me…this had to be the best FaceTime ever due to the fact that she looked just as crazy as I with her spray tan (I would show proof but she would kill me, and I’m saving it for #wcw on Instagram (mims113)).

Don’t you all worry, once I showered I didn’t look like a crazy person, it actually looked like a normal tan.

After all this crazy nonsense. After an amazing wedding between to radical people, we all did after reception drinking at a bar in the midtown area of Sacramento. Now, I’m not a fan of Sactown, 3 years ago someone broke into my damn car and robbed me. It wasn’t fun and I haven’t been back since. But it was a wedding and I had to give it another try.

wrong, so wrong

I honestly wish I could say it was better, the wedding was amazing, my friends looked handsome in suits and my friend and I looked great with spray tans. I had a pretty long dress on and my Afro hair was top notch. I was overall happy. That was until a crazy man decided he wanted to literally beat 4 of our asses and leave us on the streets of Sacramento with blood and tears. I shit you not, some crazy ass mother fucker attacked us outside of the bar as we were leaving to go back to the hotel.

We all laugh at it now, I mean…really. How does that happen. He was on some super strength drug that allowed him to not get tired after he shoved my lady friend, punched another friend, pounded my other friends face a couple times and as I was grabbing to get him off the ground the man decided my face need work too.

Now, after all is said and done without the help of Sacramento Police. We learned a valuable lesson…don’t ever go to fucking Sac and if you do, don’t have an Afro and a spray tan because I’m 400% sure that the crazy white man was a racist and assumed I was a cross dressing black man (even if I was he still shouldn’t have hit me, my dress was so rad).

Dear Sacramento,

Suck My Dick

Always,
Me

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