That’s me but in the female form. It hit me today, as I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and saw my ex ex ex (I don’t know what number of ex he was) boyfriend from 5 years ago is engaged to the “rebound” girl…apparently, she was wife material and I’m not.
Check this shit, ALL of my mother fucking ex boyfriends (I’ve had a few) are:
A) Still dating the “rebound” girl
B) Engaged to the “rebound” girl
C) Married to the “rebound” girl
Do you see a pattern? I need better “rebound” men!
Do you even need to know what my list looks like?
A) I’m everyone of my ex’s last fucking girlfriend
B) They aren’t my last fucking boyfriend
C) I’m still fucking single because I have yet to learn how to be a nice human
So here I am, drinking a glass of red wine and going over it all in my head. Am I really Good Luck Marie, is this my reality?
Now my next mission is to find the real “Good Luck Chuck” so that maybe he can teach me how to not tell a man whose taking you on a lavish date, “you look like the type that sleeps with ugly people” (I wish I could say that I made that up, but it’s my reality). Why the hell can’t I ever learn to go with my third fucking thought.
You know when your mother told you, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”. My mother still has to inform me of that and guess what, I still don’t fucking listen.
I also am realizing that I might have had one too many glasses of wine because I have used the word fuck way too many times. Not only is the little tiny voice in my head screaming about all those damn wifed up ex’s of mine but also for my sailor cursing habit.
If you’re wondering, I did press like on his engagement. I am happy for him and would have never married him but really…another one bites the dust.
I wanna bite the fucking dust too….
Chuck, where the hell are you?
All I know now is whenever I meet my damn husband I’m going to bitch slap the hell out of him for taking his damn sweet time. I could have used his ass for all these weddings I’ve been attending for the last 5 years alone.
I better get a pink refrigerator too.