The Dream

I am throwing this out there…I am getting engaged this year…yes, so very true…he might not know it yet but I am. Heck, I don’t even know who “he” is but, I am going to sucker that sucker into taking my hand in marriage even if I have to drop down on my knee myself (not weird, been on my knees before for a man (a lot of classy woman have (don’t judge))).

Yes, I am still giving up men for Lent….and yes, I am still going strong but a damn girl can dream. In the past year, I have opened a damn business (fabulous) and currently launching another, as well as, helping my cousin launch hers in the Pacific Palisades…I mean…hello, on a piece of paper I am one damn good catch…getting a male to figure that out and realize I AM PERFECT (kidding) is another damn story.

Regardless, these 40 days will have me brainstorming on how to meet a man, and not on the interweb of hell but in a real life situation. I am counting out hipster coffee shops because I don’t want to be with someone who wears tighter pants than I…I am also cutting out strip clubs, good reasons (plus my boobs are amazing anyways). I honestly think that I might start perusing all the sporting good stores because I have decided that I want a MAN MAN….literally, boots and jeans, dirty hands and a face full of awesomeness growing from it (a beard)…this is also strange for me considering I usually go for big, black and athletic but I have since changed my mind due to the fact that those men nor the peter pans (men that never want to grow up) have worked out in my favor…and I had a taste of a hard workin’, boot wearin’, dirty handed man and I WANT MORE!!!! I can’t lie either, my vagina lips just quivered at the thought.

So, I am going to take my giant afro and dress wearing self to Cabelas this weekend and meet my husband and let him wait the rest of lent to take me out (the making him want you more act)…I have never tried this before, heck I’ve only made it to day 13 (bearded fellow just set a record) but I feel like if I don’t try I am going to live the rest of my life as the lady that would be a cat lady but can’t because she is allergic to cats (smelly cat song is playing in my head and I just chuckled).

But really, don’t you think that this sounds like a marvelous idea. Not that I know what I am doing when trying to converse with the opposite sex. I fumble my words and basically sound very illiterate. I am one of those girls that has the perma bitch resting face and then when I get nervous, I decided that speaking is way to hard and I would rather not embarrass myself. I feel like men should do all this hard work, because apparently I can’t.

I actually don’t even know how one gets around the early stages of getting to know someone…I either freak out or freak out. Those weird feelings creep up and then I act like a small child and say the most idiotic things, “you are really bald, normally I date black men, black cock down”. None of those statements a man ever wants to hear from a 5’2 blonde bitch. My bark however is way bigger than my damn bite but when I do bite…you are warned. Sometimes I wish I would just be one of those seductress woman, and have men leap at me…that has never happened. I am still trying to figure out how to be sexy (it is an artform that I do not have). One would think that if I read enough romance novels I would learn…I have and I haven’t learned shit.

Maybe I should join the bachelor or something…even better I am going to flaunt my singleness all over social media and see what happens.

How does this sound : 5’2 curvy female with a big curly white girl fro who enjoys nice bottles of wine and medium rare steak…I own businesses and am financially independent…I am bossy, strong willed and determined but when I am off the clock I really just want a man to come home to and love me….I do not want to wear the pants at home.  I don’t want to seek those seeking a hook up or casual fling..I am done…I want a life partner to share our worlds with, to come home at night and laugh as we make dinner. I want a man in my bed every night so I can decide if I want to make my way with him or just be held. The idea of a white picket fence is still my ideal dream however, I plan on equal partnerships in life and love. The modern yet traditional family.

Maybe this is all so obscure and maybe it is being unrealistic but who gives a damn shit…I am getting engaged this year!


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