The First Letter

I contemplated starting an entire new blog…hell, I’ve contemplated running away and starting an entire new life…waking up from this horrific dream and living the life I love.

This Blog is now changing…from a crazy life of a single girl to that of the life of a young daughter dealing with the Stage 4 Colon Cancer that will slowly take away her mother…her rock…her partner in crime as well as in business and anything else


Dear Ma.

Today is April 7, 2016 and we argued today…I was sitting in Larkellen (our business we own together) and we were bickering about how it was time for you to go hospital…I think back on how that simple conversation of me being a “bossy bully bitch” that you said in not the kindest tone has turned into this crazy spiral that now is our new normal. I won’t forget the terror on your face when I arrived at the hospital in my restaurant clothing, I won’t forget the look on your face when you told me there was a mass…I won’t forget the smells that emanated from the room, the way we quickly rid you of your diamond earrings that you haven’t taken off in years, I can’t forget the look on Dads face when they were rolling you away…how it seemed so unreal that you were having emergency surgery. We thought you had the flu…the tiny argument of me overstepping my bounds and being mean as you hung up on me seemed so silly.

I remember holding your clothing in a bag and your purse as the Dr. Jewel, your surgeon was informing you of your operation…everything seemed so normal, until he held your hand and said, “I already know, you have Stage 4 Colon Cancer, I will know more when I open you up”. I tried my hardest to not cry…I tried my hardest to keep the face of your strong daughter and I tried my hardest to not look at Dad…and then they rolled you away…and for once in my life…I was truly terrified. I prayed silently while Dad and I ate hospital pizza…4 hours later…4 fucking hours later of worry and fear Dr. Jewel walked into the waiting room and said “she did great, she really did, considering the condition she came in”…his tone seamed to change and he sat down next to Dad…he watched his words and looked us in the eye…all I remember was the diagnosis of Stage 4 Colon Cancer…Liver is covered and a less than 2 years…he stood up, gave us Gods love and walked away with his head down. I have never in my entire life seen my father cry, but he grabbed me while I wailed for you…not for me but for you and this life you have so beautifully created…I don’t know how long Dad held me…I don’t know if he made any noise while tears fell from his face to my black shirt…I don’t know if anyone else could hear me in distress…I don’t know anything but that moment…my heart broke in a way it has never broken before.

It’s amazing the strength you have…It is amazing how when we walked in to see you after waiting another hour that all you were talking about was how everyone loves your Eva Longoria Lashes…you had everyone cracking up because somehow a dirty bird comes out when you’ve had a hospital cocktail. I didn’t want to leave you that night, but you insisted on us getting some rest…

Dad and I hugged, shocked on what had transpired in the last 10 hours…I didn’t know what to do, instead of going home…I pulled into Scott’s (we’ve been broken up for a moment but have remained probably too close) driveway and pounded on the door…he opens it, sleepy and confused…he sees my face and latches me up and lets me wail in his arms…he doesn’t know what is going on and doesn’t ask until I’ve cried for an hour or so…I inform him and he stands still…looking up at the ceiling and hands over his head…that was the first person I hit with the news of our new life…that was one of the hardest as well, considering 3 days ago we all were enjoying family dinner. You and he have this bond that can’t be broken and the look on his face said so much.

I asked for a shot of vodka, he gave me a cup…I cried more…he talked his normal rational self and I left…I felt like weight wasn’t all on me…I felt the support of someone…I felt like I needed a nap and that this day would be long over. It wasn’t. I sat down and wrote this jumbled mess of a letter…because I don’t want to forget.

I love you, sweet dreams, see you tomorrow..




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